


Everything's Going to be Fine

by orphan_account



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Demisexuality, Happy Ending, M/M, Panic Attacks, Supportive Sharpy, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 19:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2037516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don’t know where that leaves us then,” Jonny shrugs, “I’m not gay” he puts out one palm, face up, “I’m not straight,” he puts out the other, “and I still wouldn’t have sex with her, I still didn’t want to,” he pulls both sets of fingers into a fist and holds tight onto air.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything's Going to be Fine

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be based on a prompt I got from tumblr and then completely forgot to use the line of dialogue I was supposed to in it! Yay for me. Thanks to Hessica (or Jessica whatevs) for reading it over for me and putting up with me writing an extra 5000+ words for her to edit.
> 
> Also! The intent was never to make a homophobic environment, just a realistic one, so of course there's going to be people lashing out at others who don't fit into a mold their used to. Jonny's anxieties don't come from wishing he was straight but more from not wanting to let the people around him down.

  
  


There’s only three sexualities, no more, no less. You can only like men or women or both because there are only men and women in the world. Only single-celled organisms can be asexual. Everyone wants sex and everyone knows whom they want to have sex with. If you don’t want sex, if you don’t know, something’s wrong with you.

There are only three sexualities, and if you don’t fit in any of them, something’s messed up with you, not the system. The system is based on fact, solid and true, and if you don’t fit the system you need to change. The system is for your benefit even if it makes you sick, makes you want to cry and rip your hair out. Even if it makes you bleed, it’s there to help you.

There are only three sexualities. So figure out which one you belong to.

 

\---------

 

The library is Jonny’s favorite place on campus. The books surround him like protective castle walls that he can finally breathe in. They’re nothing like the sticky, shifting walls of his room that creep in on him and breathe down the back of his neck—no there just strong and stone, cooling his constant fever.

His favorite feeling in the world is pulling a random book from a high up shelf and listening to the spine creak as he opens it, for what is probably it’s first time. Knowing no one else has touched it’s pages before, that Jonny’s eyes are the first one to trace the words, makes what it says not matter.

Books are so much easier to deal with than people. They have him smiling even as he puts them back and goes down the aisle a few steps, plucking another one and doing exactly the same.

Sometimes he even comes across a book that bends open too easily, the pages are bent and ripped and crumpled and Jonny likes those books too. It’s different, the novelty isn’t there but it’s…nice. Jonny can feel close to someone else as he traces a tear, knowing that someone put it there and now it’s in his hands. Everyone likes to be thought about, so Jonny thinks of them when he can.

He wishes he could spend all of his time in the library really. There or the rink, because hockey is hockey and nothing beats it but…but there are so many people involved in hockey and sometimes it’s nice to just shut everyone out.

The guys on his team are great, they’re nice, they’re fine but it’s been a while since Jonny’s ever been able to look someone in the eye.  They don’t do anything wrong, they don’t say anything rude, Jonny’s just stone cold scared of them.

It started, at a party earlier in the year, where Jonny had stayed as close to TJ as possible. He hadn’t seen anything wrong with it, he felt comfortable being TJ’s shadow and TJ hadn’t told him to go away. It was after though, after all of that when he heard the guys whispering about how Jonny hadn’t even tried and did they think he was gay? He had to have had girlfriends before, right?

Panic had risen like bile in his throat and he had slinked away towards the library where the books didn’t care what had happened at the last party.

 

\-------

 

Jonny knew something was wrong with him starting in high school. There was always an undercurrent of anxiety, the kind that tickled his skin like bugs crawling along his bones, but he had never had a panic attack before.

Plenty of firsts happen in high school, but the first time you feel like your blood is boiling out of your skin and into the air isn’t one Jonny wishes was on the list. First kiss, maybe, but that’s what had started it all, he supposes.

Kissing her wasn’t bad, she felt soft and smelled a little bit like smoke—the woodsy kind not the chemical kind.

The kiss was fine.

The kiss was good.

It wasn’t even the first domino to tip over; it was something more like the finger that pushed the first one—the trigger not the problem.

Jonny really liked her, he wanted to hold her hand and go places with her but it was a few short words that snapped those thoughts right out of Jonny’s head. Boys would be boys, but the words, “you gonna fuck her?” still ring through his mind whenever he finds himself huddled against a wall and trying to breathe through a screen.

The words were said, the dominoes were set into motion, and the mask that had been hiding Jonny’s fucked up insides from even him fell away.

And that’s how, forever away from home, Jonny had the bugs under his skin turn to rust and stick to his bones like dirty mounds. Jonny had to scratch at it, get it out, clean himself from the inside out because he feel so caked in dirt he could just blow away in a strong wind.

Afterwards, when he could feel where he was standing and his heart was back in his chest all he had to show for the battle he had fought were bloody forearms and a note that said he needed to speak to a school psychiatrist twice a week or else they wouldn’t be letting him play hockey anymore.

Jonny cried.

 

\-------

 

Jonny had reserved himself to not having sex in college, it wasn’t worth it and jerking off worked just as well for him—if not better. He just wasn’t sure how he was going to go about making up the excuses for it. He thought about the “waiting till marriage thing” but that seemed hypocritical and probably rude, to pass off his…whatever…for some act of god.  There always was the fake girlfriend route but the guys would demand pictures and evidence and all the stuff Jonny didn’t have because he had never had a girlfriend before in his life.

It doesn’t seem to matter though, at first, the guys just left it alone and TJ was totally fine with leading him around social situations. When Jonny chose not to go after a girl, no one seemed to care and no one asked questions.

It ended though, because all good things must end.

When TJ cornered him, his face was screwed up in worry.

“Jonny, man” He said, “whatever this is, we don’t care, and if you’re like…into dudes or whatever we’ll be fine with it.”

It was so earnest and kind but it was so close to the one subject he never wanted to talk about that the panic rose in him anyway. He had to bat it away before it over came him again. Jonny had just swallowed against it and shook his head.

“I know it seems that way, but I’m just…it doesn’t matter I’m into who I’m into and I’m definitely into girls,” because it was true, Jonny loved girls—they looked so nice and they smelled so good and their hair was always so soft under his fingers when he let himself get close enough to touch. Jonny loved girls he just didn’t love loving girls.

TJ nodded, his face set in determination, “alrighty then bud, we have to get you laid before you run off to the NHL at least.”

“Wh…what?” Jonny sputtered, the panic threatening to break through, “no it’s fine TJ, I mean if it was a problem I’d have it fixed by now, but I’m totally good. Like sex is fine and all, I’m not knocking sex, everyone loves sex, but you know hockey…and…and school,” he waved his hand weakly in a vague assessment he hoped translated into that he’s just too busy for it.

TJ though, steeled himself and crossed his arms, shaking his head as he said, “you need to get laid before you go to the NHL, I’m serious.”

“Need?” Jonny laughed nervously, “That’s a pretty strong word there bud.”

“What? You want to go in inexperienced? you have an image. Also it’s sex, don’t make a big deal about it.”

Jonny felt anger bubble up, the kind that suppressed the panic but made his cheeks flush all the same. “Me? Make a big deal about it? I’m trying really hard not to make a big deal about it, okay, you’re the one making a big fucking deal about it. I don’t want to have sex, so drop it!”

TJ raised an eyebrow at that, “you don’t want sex?” then he laughed and shook his head, “what the hell is wrong with you man?”

“I don’t know,” Jonny muttered, the words had deflated him, emptied the anger from his body.

“Suit yourself, just trying to help you out.”

“Yeah,”

It takes years for Jonny to look him in the eyes again.

 

\------

 

Jonny’s successful his rookie year at not having any sex and it’s great. Hockey is something he can always do and knowing he’s right where he wants to be is even better. He focuses everything on fixing his game, elevating his compete level and just being good.

He does jerk off quite a bit but that’s fine with him because he likes it, has never wanted more.

 

\-------

 

He guesses he knows where the Captain Serious thing came from and really, he could put the blame on Brent but when it comes down to it, it’s really his things fault. It makes him so tense and so intent on being good everywhere else in life that it bubbles over in ways he wishes it wouldn’t. Anger is easy though, it takes up all the space in his body so the anxiety goes away, he can do anger.

Jonny’s pretty sure that’s also why he attaches himself to Kaner so easily. No one can piss him off like Kaner can; no one can get under his skin and light him up. To anyone else that would seem like the exact wrong type of person you get close to, but it’s a double sided coin for Jonny because if Kaner is the one who can piss him off the easiest than he’s the one who can relax him the easiest too.

So Jonny knows why he’s Captain Serious, but the guys don’t, and they all have their own theories. They’re funny at first, until someone (he can’t remember who) suggests it’s that Jonny’s not getting laid enough.

He tries to laugh it off, he really does, but then the guys start to agree and it’s all of the sudden too real and too close to deal with. He has to excuse himself and hide in the bathroom until his breathing returns to normal. Jonny just wishes he could hide until the rest of him is normal as well.

 

\------

 

It goes downhill, fast, just like everything else in his life. It’s not gradual; it doesn’t unravel at a patient speed, of course not. His life is full of sharp turns; car-crashing pain and surprises that slap him in the face instead of making him feel giddy in the pit of his stomach.

When the night is just starting Jonny is pretty sure he’s the luckiest guy in the world. He had never expected someone like Kaner—who is so different from him, so much like he wants to be—to be into him. But after a hard fought game, pushing and searching for a win, Kaner grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him hard.

Jonny feels himself light up and he wraps his arms around Kaner back. The kissing is fantastic too because of Kaner’s stupid mouth but also, he’s warm and sturdy under Jonny’s palm. He feels like no girl ever has for Jonny, he’s a novelty, like the first time you open a book.

But pretty soon Kaner is getting hard and Jonny can feel it and the panic rises up again. He pushes Kaner away immediately and darts for the bathroom, leaving him panting and confused where he stands.

Jonny feels so bad. He feels like a failure but he curls up on the bathroom floor of a hotel he’s never been in before and stays until the freak out is over. When he goes back into the room, the lights are off and there’s a Kaner shaped lump in the bed furthest from the door.

They don’t talk about it the next day. Or the next. But it definitely hangs around them like a weight ready to drop on their heads. Jonny’s good at ignoring things though and lets it pass. If Kaner doesn’t want him anymore, he understands why.

 

\-------

 

Jonny can’t get away with not having sex in the NHL like he could in college. For one, he’s here for the rest of his career (he assumes, with the C and all) and these guys are more than his team, they’re his best friends.

It starts off the same, they whisper about him when they think he can’t hear them and shoot him pitiful looks every time they go out and he chooses to hang back. It’s different in the way that TJ has turned into Sharpy (it was Kaner at first but now…) and the girls are a little more stunning—Jonny still doesn’t want to have sex with them but they’re definitely more beautiful, he knows that.

Point is, the guys let it go for a while but he can’t escape it forever.

“So what’s the deal here?” Seabs ends up being the one who corners him in the kitchen. It’s probably supposed to feel comfortable and like buddies but honestly it feels more like he’s talking to his father—you know if his father was a professional hockey player and only three years older than him.

“What deal?” Jonny asks, hoping that if he pretends he doesn’t think anything is wrong that the subject will just get dropped.

“With you and you know…the ladies,”

It’s goofy, Jonny has to giggle.

“Seriously kid, you should be getting laid at least a little bit and seeing as you were my rookie I am personally offended that Kaner has been able to get laid more than you. You know what Sharpy’s putting me through because of this? Hell, we don’t even know if you have gotten laid at all since you came to Chicago.”

“I have,” Jonny lies easily, “but it’s not a priority for me. Sorry to let you down” he smiles, but it sort of stings, knowing that.

“Take one for the team then eh?” Seabs winks, “at least in the open so I can prove to Sharpy you aren’t some weird, sexless, robot.”

The laugh Jonny forces out this time is tight and uncomfortable but he thinks he plays it off well because Seabs expression doesn’t change. He wants to say, ‘maybe, if the opportunity arises’ but the look on the older man’s face is so…expecting…that all Jonny can do is nod and say, “yeah, sure.”

 

\--------

 

Picking up girls is hard. He supposes the sex part is probably pretty hard to but getting enough attention to get someone to have sex with him is an unexpected obstacle. In college girls approached him all the time and besides that it was just Kaner. Jonny’s not sure how to work around this.

It becomes a game to him, a strategy he has to plan out and turning it into that is what makes it easy to just do. If Jonny plays it off like it’s not actually going to happen he can get it done, easy. It’s more like hockey if he plays it like a game.

He wasn’t prepared though, for when his strategy would work.

Her name is Juliet and she’s amazing. She’s talking to him animatedly with her willowy hands about all sorts of things like where she’s from (Louisiana), what she does for a living (nutritionist) and her roommates (two girls born and raised in Chicago themselves). Jonny finds himself asking her more questions, trying to get to know her more.

Screw anyone who ever assumed he was gay, because wow, this girl.

Eventually though, she leans on him and smiles up at him languidly. She looks nice but Jonny knows what it means. When he peers up he makes eye contact with Seabs immediately, the man makes a go on gesture and Jonny nods back, ready to take her home.

He’s worrying all the way outside, about whether it’s going to work or not, if he’ll be able to get it up for her. Jonny likes the way she lights up under the streetlights, likes how tall she is and how easy talking to her was. Jonny likes her as much as you could like anyone for just meeting them that night but still, the thought of having sex with her makes him want to run and hide—makes him want to throw up.

“Hey,” he catches her arm softly as they approach the road, stopping her from hailing a cab, “would it be cool if we…like I want to see you again but I don’t really do sex right away, or one night stands, you know…ever.”

Juliet raises an eyebrow and moves her arm from his grasp easily, “no offense there, Jonny, but I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I just got out of a long term relationship and all I really want right now is a casual fuck.”

“Oh,” Jonny mutters.

“If you’re not up to it though, that’s fine, you can tell your friends you hit it and I won’t tell them other wise,” She smiles at him, kind and pitiful just like TJ had been, “But otherwise I’m just going to head home,”

“Yeah, okay, that’s fine” Jonny said weakly, smiling at her back, “I should head home too you know, if I want the guys to think…” he trails off, let’s the silence say what could have happened between the two of them.

“Yeah of course, nice meeting you,”

“nice meeting you,”

 

\------

 

Jonny didn’t try hooking up again for a while, and it’s okay too because Juliet was hot enough to shut Sharpy up for a little, or at least that’s what Brent said. So he went back to letting himself relax with the boys, just drinking casually and talking through their games. This is what he liked the most about going out, just being happy and flushed drunk, it was nice.

Except then, one night, Jonny goes to the bar to get himself a drink and he feels someone slide up next to him. He stays relaxed and steady because that could mean anything but when he looks down the girl is smiling up at him.

She introduces herself as Dylan and she’s pretty but she’s nowhere near Juliet or Kaner and her voice is high pitched so Jonny doesn’t really want to get to know her better. He gives her a small smile back, nods and then reaches for his drink.

“You looking for someone to leave with?” she asks and…what the hell, what kind of person starts with that?

Jonny frowns, “I mean…not really…” but then his eyes travel over the table and he sees both Sharpy and Seabs watching intently…fuck…he can’t back out now. He turns back to the girl, smiles stronger and finishes the sentence with, “but if you’re offering.”

He can’t shake her off like he did Juliet that first time. He doesn’t want to hear her talk so he doesn’t ask her any questions. Instead they ride back to her place in silence and when they’re up in her apartment and she’s kissing him, Jonny tries not to run away scared.

His fingers are twitching where they’re settled on her hips, his skin feels cold, and his stomach is rolling.

God, what kind of person is made physically ill by the thought of sex?

He’s so messed up.

After a few minutes of just making out, she falls to her knees gracefully and Jonny seizes up immediately. She doesn’t seem to have noticed but she’s going to very soon and yeah…when she presses her hands to the front of his pants and doesn’t feel anything, the look she shoots him is far from friendly or pitiful.

“What the hell?” She asks.

“Um…” but he doesn’t know what to say.

“Why would you come back with me if you weren’t into me huh? You think it’s cool to just show off for your buddies?” he assumes she’d be more intimidating if she wasn’t on her knees but her words still instill guilt in him.

“No…I…”

“Whatever,” she stands up and straightens out the end of her insanely tight dress, “well you can tell them I kicked you out and then you can tell them you’re gay, or whatever, because leading girls on with this” she gestures towards his crotch, “is not becoming.”

Jonny nods. He knows. He’s messed up and he knows better than she does.

It’s still important to him as he’s leaving, for some reason, to throw over his shoulder a muttered, “I’m not gay.”

 

\---------

 

“Jonny, we should talk,” Kaner says softly pushing the door closed lightly behind him, “I think…I think we really need to talk actually.”

“Okay” Jonny says. Excitement bubbles up in him, maybe Kaner wants to try the kissing thing again, he could do that. Kissing Kaner was awesome and so far nothing has been able to match up to it. He’s into it, into him and he thinks that maybe he wouldn’t want to throw up if it was Kaner on his knees and not some random girl.

“Sit” Kaner says gently pointing to the closest hotel bed.

Jonny nods, and does what he’s told.

“So…” Kaner sits next to him, “I saw you with that one girl, the really hot one, and I…I saw her leave without you. I know you didn’t have sex with her that night man. It’s totally cool with me too, I mean, it is. I just…I’m not straight and you probably picked up on that. I’m bi and all…what I’m trying to say is, is that if you’re gay and you need someone to tell, you can tell me. I won’t let the guys know and it can stay between the two of us but…but I don’t want this to fester with you like it did with me.”

“What?” Jonny asks, stoic but confused. What did Kaner mean, like it did with him?

“I was confused for a while about who I was and it made me angry. I was always so scared of someone finding out but I think I was mostly scared I would find out. Finally though, when I admitted it to myself, it settled out, things got better.”

“I’m…I’m sorry to hear that, it’s good that you could do that for yourself” Jonny offers, “but I’m not gay Kaner.”

Kaner raises an eyebrow at him, “no straight man would let a girl like that leave on her own especially if she was totally up for it.”

“I’m not straight either,” Jonny murmurs, “you should know that.”

He turns just in time to see the moment Kaner’s face softens, “Yeah, I guess I got that,” he shakes his head, “So you’re like me then, we’re bi, that’s cool, but I still wouldn’t have given up a chance like that.”

Jonny sighs, Kaner doesn’t get it. It’s only fair that Kaner not get it though because whatever is in Jonny is alive and agonizing and so not normal. Kaner’s normal, Kaner’s nice and pure and so, so, so good. Jonny’s none of those things. So of course Kaner doesn’t get it, no one probably does.

“I don’t know where that leaves us then,” Jonny shrugs, “I’m not gay” he puts out one palm, face up, “I’m not straight,” he puts out the other, “and I still wouldn’t have sex with her, I still didn’t want to,” he pulls both sets of fingers into a fist and holds tight onto air.

“Are you…I mean…are you asexual?” Kaner asks.

“What?” Jonny looks up, never having heard the word before, “I…I don’t…I mean I can’t reproduce with myself.”

Kaner let’s out a happy laugh. “No man, it’s just, when people don’t want sex. They want like…romance but they don’t want sex. I’m assuming they like…biologically enjoy it but I guess it’s all about not being psychologically into it. You know, the same way a straight guy could get off down a dude’s throat but probably wouldn’t be able to if he was completely sober.”

Jonny shakes his head, “no, it’s not…I like sex” he answers easily, “I mean I…” he flushes, “I’ve never had it but masturbation isn’t a chore or anything and I’m into it but I don’t picture…to get off I don’t picture naked people or actual sex or anything.”

“Then what?” Kaner asks, his voice super soft and gentle.

“It’s not even a picture,” Jonny shrugs. “it’s more like a feeling I focus on and let it go over me and it’s really nice. It’s just…it just feels familiar, it’s not anything tangible but it’s there and it works.”

“I’ve never…” Jonny listens as Kaner swallows loudly, “I don’t know man, I’m out of ideas.”

“Yeah,” Jonny sighs, “I’m just screwed up, I think.”

Kaner’s smile is sad but it’s not pitying, and he doesn’t say much else but when he puts his hand on top of Jonny’s fists to help him unclench them, that familiar feeling spikes through him and everything feels calm.

 

\---------

 

It’s nice knowing that someone on the team understands him, at least as much as he does. Kaner seemingly lives in his pocket nowadays and the awkward moment when he pushed Kaner away seems to have been left behind. They’re close now, like they were before and Jonny is so settled in it he forgets almost completely about Seabs and Sharpy.

“What’s your type?” Seabs asks next time they go out, “Tall? Short? Are you into blondes or brunettes? Or are you one of those guys who is more into the body than the anything going on above the neck?”

“Uh…” Jonny is so taken by surprise he doesn’t know what to say but the truth, “I like um…I like you know, blonde haired blue eyed I guess.”

“Traditional, okay” Seabs nods and then looks around. “Oh, blonde girl, 2o’clock, she your type?” he asks

Jonny turns his head and sees the girl Seabs is talking about. She is his type, from what he can see but Jonny just shakes his head no, “I’m not feeling it tonight Seabs, sorry about that.”

“Why not? Aren’t you always feeling it?”

Jonny laughs, it’s ironic and it kind of stings but all Jonny can do is laugh about it.

“Come on, you can’t let Sharpy win this.”

Jonny frowns, “Kaner and I haven’t been rookies for years, I mean come on, I’m captain now and you don’t even wear an A.” Seabs flinches a little.“Our sex life isn’t a game so just…just drop it man, it’s weird.”

“It’s not that weird” Seabs mumbles to himself. But whatever, it is weird.

 

\--------

 

There’s a knock on his door, insistent and incessant. Jonny even stands behind his door wondering if the person will ever stop. It’s funny, sort of, until he starts worrying about the door itself and goes to pull it open.

Honestly, with all the annoying knocking he was expecting to see Kaner standing there but instead, it’s Sharpy.

“What’re you…”

“Shut up we need to talk, by order of Peeks,” Sharpy grabs him by the collar of his shirt and drags him towards the couch, he sits and pulls Jonny down with him before pulling out sheets of paper from his pocket, “I took notes.” He said

“Wh…why?” Jonny asked staring down at the paper now littering his coffee table, “About what?”

“Sexualities and stuff, all kinds of them” Sharpy gestured to them, “Peeks tells me everything okay, and when he was having issue with his own orientation, he came to me about it and we figured it out. Kaner explained to me what you said and you definitely need some help.”

“I know” Jonny mumbled.

“Not like that bud,” Sharpy looks back up at him and squeezes his shoulder in comfort, “You need some help figuring stuff out. There is nothing wrong with you and what you’re going through. You not wanting sex doesn’t make you bad, or worse than anyone else, alright?”

Jonny nods slowly, not sure if he believes it but willing to go with it anyway.

“Okay so first things first, Kaner said you guys already decided you weren’t gay, straight, bisexual or asexual,” Jonny nods, “he tried to explain to me the other thing you said about how you jerked off to emotions or something but I’m not sure he said that right.”

“No,” Jonny shakes his head, “I don’t get off to emotions, I just…when I do it’s not to someone naked it’s just to like this safe, familiar feeling, kind of like being held. I like that, I like it a lot, you know, more than the idea of sex.”

Sharpy nods thoughtfully and taps his chin, “okay, yeah, that makes more sense,”

“Really?” Jonny asks, incredulous, “because I still have no idea what’s going on here.”

“Well I have three options here that might work for you, alright?” Sharpy asks and pulls out a piece of paper from the pile, “there’s autosexual which is someone who enjoys masturbation but not sex, pomosexual which is someone who doesn’t identify with any sexuality, and demisexual which is someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction until an emotional bond has been formed,” Sharpy pauses and Jonny looks over the notes he made, “any fit you?”

Jonny shrugs and grabs one of the sheets, the one that has lines and lines about autosexuality all over it. The more he reads the more it just doesn’t make sense—there’s more to it than just liking to masturbate and nothing else, apparently it involves being attracted to yourself, which…no.

“The…the last one, maybe” Jonny says putting the paper back, “What did you say about that one.”

“Oh,” Sharpy shrugs “Demisexual, well it’s not a sexuality really it just explains your sexual needs, I guess. You still have your own sexual preference, whether you like girls or guys and then you have your…well you’re quantitative orientation, that’s where the demisexuality comes in,”

“So like…” Jonny pauses, “I’m bisexual, probably, but also demisexual.”

“Sure” Sharpy smiles at him, “is that what feels right?”

Jonny shrugs, “It would explain everything I mean I…with girls and stuff I could never make it work with them but I always sort of felt like there was someway it could work.”

Sharpy nods and gives him a gentle look, “I’m glad I could help Jonny, and please, don’t beat yourself up over this. When the guys are pressuring you into going off with someone, tell them to fuck off okay? There’s nothing wrong with you not wanting sex all the time, I mean…there’s nothing wrong with you period.”

“I…I…really?” he sounds so hopeful but fuck, if he doesn’t want Sharpy to be right.

“Of course, you’re great Jonny. I mean you’re kind of an asshole but you’re great.”

Jonny smiles at him and bumps their shoulders together, “Thanks. How do you even know all about this though?”

Sharpy shrugs and stares down at the notes he prepared, “I don’t know. I guess I was always just really protective of Kaner, from the moment I met him sort of thing. I want to take care of him and when I saw how hurt he was I just wanted to make it better. He was confused and he didn’t know what to do so…well knowledge is the best way to combat confusion so I studied and we figured it out. When he brought you up I just knew I had a little more studying to do.”

Something settles in Jonny that hasn’t in a while. Sharpy seems so sure that nothing is wrong with him, and maybe he’s right.

 

\-------

 

He tells Kaner first, on their next road trip. They’re both on the same bed, as close as possible without touching. Jonny’s rolled onto his stomach and Kaner’s on his back—Kaner’s watching the TV but Jonny’s just watching his face.

“What?” Kaner asks eventually,

“I figured it out,” He grins,

“Yeah?” Kaner grins back, finally tearing his eyes from the TV, “What’d you and Sharpy decide on?”

“Demisexual” Jonny tells him, “I can’t have sex without an emotional connection like…like I want to have sex but it’s more about the person than the orgasms I guess.”

Kaner smiles at that, “I’m glad,”

“Yeah?” Jonny smiles,

“Yeah, all this time I thought that maybe you know…after that first time you pushed me away I just thought you weren’t really into me. Then I watched you push other people away until that one really hot chick and I just though ‘oh…his standards must be really high.’ But knowing that maybe…nothing was wrong with either of us in the first place…is nice.”

Jonny blinks at him, “I want to kiss you, a lot.”

Kaner smiles back at him, “Yeah?”

“All the time” Jonny admits, “You’re my…I don’t know…my exception.”

Kaner’s smile explodes across his face in the way that only Kaner can manage it. He looks goofy and too young but god…Jonny thinks that maybe they were meant for each other.

“Mine too, babe” Kaner kicks him lightly in the thigh, “don’t worry I’ll be gentle.”

Jonny giggles, “I’m a hockey player and you’re like 4 feet tall, I think I can take it.”

Kaner laughs back, “we have quite a bit of time to figure that out,” and just hearing those words make Jonny sag in relief. If Kaner can handle this then Jonny doesn’t have to worry about handling it alone.

There’s nothing wrong with him, if there was, well, he wouldn’t be in a hotel bed with a guy like Kaner who’s smiling at Jonny like maybe there was nothing wrong with him in the first place.

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


                                                                                                        

  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr as Loochskywalker, so come find me and talk to me and stuff..
> 
> Note: everyone's experiences with their sexuality is different and everyone falls on different places on the spectrum. Just be open and supportive to yourself and others :))) and don't take this to be the exact rubric of how a demisexual is "supposed" to be. Even if Jonny was straight he would have been anxiety ridden, just would have found other things to focus on.


End file.
